Wednesday, February 15, 2012


Happy Wednesday.  Well, not so happy here, but I hope you're having a happy day!

My furnace has gone out, and I fear there may be no fixing it this time.  I swear, when it rains in this house, it pours.  We're still trying to climb out of the hole that hub's unemployment put us into, and now this.  I feel like putting my head in the oven and turning it on broil.  Really, I do.  I think I may be battling with some sort of depression, but I don't know that for sure.  No doctor diagnosis or anything, but I am in a general sad state 90% of the time, I'm gaining weight for no reason as my eating habits have not changed one bit, I feel lonely all the time, and things that have always made me happy now just don't seem to have any meaning at all to me.  This is leading to my post title, confessions.  I wonder if I write down some of the things that are bothering me, if I can't change them/deal with them easier.

  • I love my husband, and I know that he has Narcolepsy, but his sleeping and lack of attention to me is really bothering me.  I feel like he doesn't want to be here and his solution is to sleep.  He tells me that he loves me, however his actions say other wise.
  • I try my hardest to keep things clean and organized, yet that is all I feel like I do.  I want time for myself, and help around the house.  Everything falls on me and I don't feel like it is fair.
  • I hate my job.  I am still delivering newspapers, but I fear if I find another job that the hours will keep me from taking care of the housework, the horses and Mom and Dad.
  • I resent my sister for walking away from this family, with the excuse of "she can't handle us".  I am only one person and having to take care of everything Mom and Dad need done is overwhelming me on top of my life.  Of course, that ship has sailed as she has hurt Mom so badly that she wouldn't accept anything from her now anyway.  I love my parents and will continue to do everything I can for them, as they have done for me all of my life.
  • I need to lose weight.  I have gained 10 pounds this winter.  I don't feel well, I'm tired and I don't want to exercise.
  • I want more time to do what I want to do instead of what has to be done.  I want to sew and be creative without feeling guilty that I'm neglecting something else.  I want to focus on my gardens and make them beautiful again.  I want time to work with the horses and not have to hurry because someone needs me somewhere else.
  • I need more sleep.  I generally sleep 3-5 hours a day, broken into to naps.  It's not enough.
I think that's enough for now.  There will be more in the future, believe me.

I have no idea how to make any of these work, and thus adding to my feeling of depression.  If anyone has any ideas, please feel free to let me know.

Have a great night.